Lesson 20 of 30: What Irritates You, Reveals You

I have learned that when something irritates me or when I find myself judging someone, it usually has little to do with them and everything to do with me. Most of the time, the very thing that stirs irritation in my heart is something I have struggled with, or something I have not yet forgiven myself for.

Self-compassion and self-understanding are high-value skills in the Kingdom. They keep you humble, teachable, and kind. When judgment rises in your heart, it is not an opportunity to

condemn yourself; it is an invitation to look deeper. Judgment reveals the places that still need healing. It shows where mercy has not yet reached.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” - Matthew 7:3

In the past few years, God has called me to walk with people who profess Christianity yet still struggle deeply. Some still have sex before marriage. Some spend time in environments that do not align with holiness. Some are caught between two worlds, trying to love God while still clinging to old patterns.

And I judged them. Not loudly. Not intentionally. But internally. With frustration.

I viewed their choices as proof that they were not serious about God or holiness.

But God showed me something uncomfortable: Recognizing someone’s lack of reverence is not the problem. Viewing them as defiled and trying to control how they live is.

My irritation was not righteous anger. It was judgment mixed with impatience. It came from a place in me that had forgotten how long God walked with me while I was still half in the world. It revealed that I had not fully rested in my own transformation and still feared going back to the version of me that was lukewarm, confused, inconsistent, or double-minded. The root of Judgment is usually fear.

The root of discernment is love and oftentimes what we call discernment is really accusation. I remember when someone in my church once told me, “You are out of order.” It was so absurd that it almost startled me. Even though I knew deep within myself that she was inaccurate, I still searched my heart carefully, making sure I was not operating in pride or dismissing correction. I love opportunities to grow and be aligned, even when correction feels uncomfortable.

But as I observed the situation over time, I realized her words came from her own conflict, not clarity. One day she even confessed that she had struggled for years with feeling out of order herself. She was seeing in me what she was wrestling with internally.

And that is when God showed me something else.Often when we judge or accuse others, we are really seeing a reflection of ourselves. Judgment is rarely about the other person. It is a mirror of unresolved wounds, old fears, and areas where we have not yet fully received grace.

In truth, judgment often disguises itself as discernment. But discernment sees clearly without condemning. Judgment punishes. Discernment guides. Discernment is rooted in love; judgment is rooted in fear. When irritation rises, God invites us to address the root, not the person.

When irritation rises in my heart now, I pause and ask, “What part of this reminds me of me? What part of me still needs mercy?” Because once you extend compassion to yourself, you stop trying to control others to protect yourself from your own past. And this truth works both ways. When someone judges you harshly, it helps you not take it personally. Judgment reveals projection. People often criticize in others what they quietly fight within themselves.

Healing truly transforms how you interpret people. Instead of absorbing offense, you begin to see the wound beneath their words.

“Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” - Luke 6:36

Conclusion

For my 30’s, I am learning that judgment is not always an attack; sometimes it is a mirror. Both giving and receiving it can be an invitation to deeper healing. When irritation comes, I no longer run from it. I pause, reflect, forgive, and cleanse. Because the same mercy that saved me is the mercy I now extend, both to others and to myself.

Now that you know, let’s grow,

- Kimrose🌹